


The Never-Ending Group Chat; Monday - mid-semester and mid-morning.

by FB Wickersham (perpetfic)



Series: The Blue Stones [19]
Category: Original Work
Genre: BFFs, Gen, Group chat, The Blue Stones, a bunch of refs to real books, and their bluestones, blue stones, the aunties - Freeform, train snakes, wherebears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 19:14:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14385324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/FB%20Wickersham
Summary: Mary Elizabeth, Ming, Teresa, and Hazel were all in the same year at The House, and they've maintained a happy friendship via group chat since graduation. Mary Elizabeth is the banana creme pie to the face of the group and owns it.





	The Never-Ending Group Chat; Monday - mid-semester and mid-morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Love to HugeAlienPie for their usual beta!

**Mary Elizabeth:** Pretty sure I'm gonna fail Intro to Religious Studies.

 

**Teresa:** Isn't that book list the same as what Auntie Holly gave us for frosh year?

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Yeah. But I never called Auntie Holly a shitheel.

 

**Ming:** Fuck me. I lost the coin toss and have to get a train snake out of some guy's chimney. 

 

**Teresa:** Holy shit, M! Be careful!

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** No kidding!

 

**Ming:** The Cleaners who did the review say it's seven or eight train snakes all joined up, so it can barely move. Dude's from a long line of 'dancing around tables with tequila' sort of pagan women. Didn't even know the thing was up there until he tried to light a fire, and the smoke wouldn't move. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** You are 500% too casual about this.

 

**Teresa:** SEVEN OR EIGHT???!! GOODBYE FOREVER.

 

**Ming:** Finish your story, ME, I need something to laugh about after I drag this thing out by the tail. 

 

**Teresa:** Ugh. It's gonna pee all over you. 

 

**Ming:** Yup. Stay in school, kids.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** You gotta get a picture like people do with fish. Like, "Hi. Here is the giant magical beast I defeated after it peed all over me in defense."

 

**Ming:** That is not a photo I need. The stench will probably be on me for days no matter how many showers I take. 

 

**Teresa:** Fingers crossed it doesn't shed on you. 

 

**Ming:** Thanks. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Anyway, finishing the story so M has something to laugh at after she gets covered in pee and snake shed.    
**Mary Elizabeth:** My prof decided to try and talk about cults today, and it was so bad. Like, so bad. 

 

**Teresa:** Well, you called him a shitheel, so yeah. 

 

**Ming:** Your support is amazing, ME. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** This is literally intro to religious studies. All anyone else in the class knows is that cults can start as new religious movements and turn into cults. Like, that's all the main text in chapter one, and then the book is just digging through various religions.

 

**Teresa:** Yeah, I remember. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Like, no way anyone else got the same sort of curriculum we got from Auntie Holly. 

 

**Teresa:** So many cult books. Pretty sure my roommate thinks I'm trying to start one because they're still on my shelf.    
**Teresa:** I should get rid of them and get them digitally because then at least they're not out in the open like, "Hi, my super deep education on all things gave me super weird reading habits. May I suggest a book about a serial killer?"

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Or how about this book about Cuban gulags?

 

**Teresa:** I have a book about PTSD in World War 2 soldiers that might be to your liking. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Oh, don't worry. I totally read lighter stuff. I read an awesome biography about Typhoid Mary written by a TV chef. 

 

**Teresa:** And may I have a moment of your time to discuss how I forever unable to explain in words why I love Geek Love?

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** OMG I'D BLOCKED THAT FROM MY MEMORY. 

 

**Teresa:** Remember, ME! REMEMBER THE WEIRD ASS CIRCUS FAMILY AND THE TECHNICAL BUT NOT TECHNICAL INCEST AND HOW WE WERE ALL SUPER CONFUSED ABOUT LOVING IT. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** I still don't know how Auntie Janelle got our parents to sign off on that one. Like, how did she blurb it? 

 

**Teresa:** I never want to know. Because I'd have to ask my mom. And then she'd want to know what the book is about, and where even to begin. "Well, Mom, these two circus performers did a bunch of drugs and radiation and had freak babies. And that's, like, the first three chapters. And it gets WAY weirder.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** So fucking true.    
**Mary Elizabeth:** Anyway, so my prof says, "Okay, today I want to take a moment and talk to you about cults," and I'm thinking, "Dude, I don't think you know what you know about this. I looked you up on LinkedIn, and none of your religious studies have actually dug into cults as a thing."

**Mary Elizabeth:** Like, sure, he's got the base-level shit people who major in religious studies get, but it's a speciality like pre-Schism Catholicism you know? You gotta know your shit to speak your shit. 

 

**Teresa:** That should be on a pillow. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** "I'm sure you've all heard about a cult or two," he says. 

 

**Teresa:** Oooh! Cult bingo! Okay. Um. Jonestown. Children of God. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Yup and yup.

 

**Teresa:** Raneeshpuram.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Nope.

 

**Teresa:** WHAT.    
**Teresa:** THEY CAUSED THE LARGEST BIOTERROR ATTACK IN US HISTORY. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** I KNOW. 

 

**Teresa:** Fail. Anyway. Um. Waco. Obvs.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Of course. 

 

**Teresa:** Unification Church and Scientology.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** 100%! But you forgot the extra credit one. 

 

**Teresa:** Um….no way he knows about that cult from Ontario where the dude chopped off a lady's hand. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Moise, and no.    
**Mary Elizabeth:** He named us. He literally said, "Oh, and the Blue Stones." 

 

**Teresa:** What.   
**Teresa:** The.   
**Teresa:** FUCK. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Yup.   
**Mary Elizabeth:** I might have shouted "WHAT" super loudly.    
**Mary Elizabeth:** Like, it echoed in a full lecture hall of 300 people. That is how loudly I shouted. 

 

**Teresa:** Oh my god, how did you not die of embarrassment?

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** T. You've met me. Come on.    
**Mary Elizabeth:** I fell into the fancy hedges by the quad breaking up a fight between an organizational demon and chaos demon. Into fresh mulch. This morning. On my way to this fucking class.

 

**Teresa:** Wait. What??

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Yeah. Face first, mouth full of leaves, full on pratfall shit.

 

**Teresa:** What the hell were an org demon and a chaos demon even fighting about? They usually just avoid each other.

 

**Ming:** Train snake update: it is not 'six or eight' snakes. It is eleven. So, it's super fucking slow, which is good. But is also fat as all hell, and we can't budge it. Google tells me Home Depot sells lube by the 5 gallon bucket.    
**Ming:** I cannot believe ME just out-did me on weird day shit.    
**Ming:** Also, same questions as T. What the fuck was an org demon doing anywhere near a chaos demon?   
  


**Mary Elizabeth:** I don't know. I caught the fuckers and put them in the Not-Space for you and yours to take care of. Call your fucking boss.

 

**Ming:** Yeah, I would, but I have to walk into Home Depot and buy multiple buckets of lube with a straight face. 

 

**Teresa:** I couldn't do it. You're made of sterner stuff, M. 

 

**Hazel:** Fuuuuuck. OTCs are no longer working for my ribs. Off to the campus clinic. Pretty sure at least one rib is broken. Fucking chaos demons.    
**Hazel:** The only thing I have seen so far about whatever is going on with you three today is that Ming's buying deeply questionable amounts of lube, and I honestly don't want to know why. 

 

**Teresa:** Your mind is filthy, H. 

 

**Hazel:** Yup. Anyway, keep doing whatever. I'll catch up in the waiting room.

 

**Teresa:** Good luck!

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Same! And I'll toss one in from Ming since she's lube-buying!   
**Mary Elizabeth:** So, I yelled what super loudly. 

 

**Teresa:** With a mouth full of leaves.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** I hate you.    
**Mary Elizabeth:** And the prof stares at me and is like, "Have you not heard of them?"

 

**Teresa:** OMG   
**Teresa:** Yes.

**Teresa:** Holy shit.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** And I'm pissed, okay? Fall into hedges. Fucking demons doing weird shit. Being accused of cult status. So, I pull my necklace up and shout, "Yeah, I've heard of 'em, you shitheel, and we're not a fucking cult!"

 

**Teresa:** This is your greatest achievement. No more embarrassing shit will ever happen to you. You have surpassed yourself. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Don't lie to me. We both know I can outdo this in my sleep. I am the person who yelled, "It is not morally okay to rape a goat," in the middle of a busy restaurant.

 

**Teresa:** OMG I HAD FORGOTTEN. CALLING YOUR PROF A SHITHEEL ISN'T EVEN TOP TEN.   
  


**Mary Elizabeth:** To shorten a very long story that was mostly nothing, I rattled off the rules for what makes a cult, countered all of them, and will now be flunked for being a know-it-all who called her prof a shitheel.    
**Mary Elizabeth:** In my defense, he didn't know shit and was wrong as fuck. 

 

**Ming:** OMG I wish I could have gotten a pic of the cashier's face as I was hauling giant tubs of lube onto the belt.    
**Ming:** ME, I'm with T. This is your magnum opus, and I am proud of you. Big difference between the accidental embarrassment of discussing the moral implication of goats over dinner and ACTUALLY calling your prof a shitheel.   
**Ming:** Cashier dead-faced asked me if I was working on a project. I said no. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** You all greatly underestimate how easily I make an ass of myself. I'm the one who fell asleep against a wherebear, remember?

 

**Teresa:** Therebear. 

 

**Ming:** Therebear. 

 

**Ming:** Jinx.

 

**Teresa:** GODDAMNIT.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** So, yeah. That's my lowlight for the day. I have no other classes, so I'm gonna eat cake for second breakfast and then I have to check the dryer vents in the dorms. 

 

**Teresa:** Moths or bunnies?   
  


**Mary Elizabeth:** Bunnies. 

 

**Teresa:** Awww, buns. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Enjoy greasing your snake, M!

 

**Ming:** My life is a banquet of pleasures. 

 

**Teresa:** H, how you doing? 

 

*

 

**Teresa:** H, what's the word on your ribs?   
  


**Mary Elizabeth:** Same question!

 

**Ming:** Ditto or trippo or whatever. Update: snake shed and lube do not mix. 

 

**Teresa:** What about the pee?

 

**Ming:** It didn't get me because I am basically covered in lube. So, yay?    
**Ming:** I can't believe how much I love my gross job. 

 

**Teresa:** I mean, you kind of have to. 

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** I don't know how you do it, Ming. I'm sneezing my ass off from the dust bunnies. 

 

**Ming:** WEAR. A. MASK.

 

**Mary Elizabeth:** Yeah. Yeah. I heard you the first hundred times.

 

**Hazel:** Sorry I went silent. Def have a broken rib. Doc gave me the hard drugs, and I conked. Feeling slightly more human but high as fuck. AMA. 

  
**Teresa:** Eh, we know all the good shit. Go back to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I would like to thank the squad in my own squad chat. They are amazing and invigorating, and when I told them I was writing this piece, none of them sued me for likeness. 
> 
> 2\. At one point, I thought Hazel was very much me, but honestly, I'm Mary Elizabeth. If there's an awkward thing to say when a server walks up, I'll end up saying it.
> 
> 3\. The moral implications about goat assault is based off a real experience. That's all I'm gonna say. Loudly. 
> 
> 4\. Train snakes are a big bad, but not after a certain point. They're called "train snakes" because a bunch of them can join together to become a bigger, more dangerous snake. However, the bigger the snake, the slower it moves. So, it has a built in fail when it's just too many.
> 
> 5\. I am 100% referencing Practical Magic when I describe the dude with "dance around the table tequila pagans." This is what happens when you don't listen to your elders, asshole. You get train snakes clogging your chimney. 
> 
> 6\. Ming really does love her gross job. 
> 
> 7\. HI! I WAS ON A REALLY GREAT RUN OF BLUE STONES AND THEN DISAPPEARED AND I'M SORRY AND HOPE TO KEEP WRITING MORE BECAUSE I LOVE IT HERE AND SO DO YOU. This story brought to you by a request for a "5 times being a Blue Stone was annoying" prompt, and this was the first one I thought of. 
> 
> 8\. If anyone wants book titles or my list of proof of how Blue Stones is not a cult, hit me up. My interests are unusual, and I stick them in stories.


End file.
